Worst Kept Secret Ever :)

On July 10th I went and had my blood work done to find out if our FET cycle had worked or not.

Unfortunately, I also had an all-day onsite training at a client that day so I didn't want to get the news while I was there. So poor Derek had to sit by the phone and wait for the call and deliver the news to me.

We knew the call would come between 2-4 pm and my client session would be over around 4. I told Derek that I wasn't going to call him like I typically do on the way home because I wanted to be safely at home for whatever the news turned out to be. I knew I would cry either way so it was best to be home for that.

They called him around 2:30 with the news and he had to sit on it for an hour and a half before I got home.

As I walk through the door with my stuff, I see him in the bedroom working on his laptop and just try to get some sort of read on him. Poker face. I got nothin...

I asked "Well?"

"We're pregnant."

And we cried. Oh man we just cried and held each other. We made it to this unreachable milestone we had been climbing towards for 2 1/2 years. We finally got to call our parents with good news instead of disappointment.

It was just incredibly surreal (still kind of is).

Since then it's been a bit of a roller coaster. The extra hormones I've had to be on have made morning sickness an all day affair (already lost about 4 pounds but I'm sure I'll make up for it later). We also had a few scares that luckily turned out to be nothing.

We are just over the 10 week mark with a singleton pregnancy. Our little one is due around March 20th but if he/she takes after their daddy it will probably be a little earlier. Derek was born about the size of a one month old so I'm not sure I have what it takes for that... we'll see.

Last week they weaned me off the last of our meds so we are no longer infertility patients (until baby #2 at least); we're just a boring old pregnant couple and could not be happier about it :)

Thank you for your prayers! We still have such a long way to go and could definitely use more but for now we are in a very good place!!

Oh and speaking of the roller coaster... Seeing this little gummy bear and hearing the heart beat has definitely been the peak so far!

Transfer Complete!

Aren't those the most beautiful little blobs ever?!? BTW, the slightly darker bits towards the lower right on each is the baby part. Crazy huh?

So the option we went with was to have them thaw two but if only one survived the thaw, we would just have them put that one in and still leave the other two in the freezer.

Apparently that is a strange request but that's what we felt was right for us and it ended up that both survived anyway.

The transfer itself was very strange and surreal in that it was so simple but possibly life altering. Honestly, it was slightly easier than a pap smear.

And even my bladder held out! So that's a win!

For those that are curious- the bladder has to be full because apparently when it's full it spreads out like a window so that they can see the uterus more clearly on the sonogram. They use the sono machine to guide the catheter to the right spot to drop the babies off. 

Took about 5 minutes and then they had me lie flat for an hour before letting us go home.

Pretty easy day and now I just lay here for 24 hours so that they can get settled in.

Still processing everything cause I just don't feel any different physically than I did this morning. I have to remind myself "yep they're in there".

And we both just keep staring at the picture of them with amazement. 

While I pray they get physically attached to me, we're doing our best to try not to get too emotionally attached to them yet because there are just so many possible outcomes of this thing.

But today was a giant step and hopefully it all pays off!  

Transfer Eve

Well my sticker chart of meds is full, so that must mean tomorrow is transfer day!!

And yes, I realize that looks like a two-year-old's potty training chart but it has really been helpful. Esp. since I have to take meds at different times of the day and at varying doses.

Plus, I think if you have to get shots in your butt, you should at least get a sticker!

Tomorrow's time line is:
- Get there at 10:45... hold a full bladder without wetting myself
- Transfer at 11:45 which should only take about 15 minutes (still holding bladder)
- Lay there for an hour to let things settle (still holding bladder... hopefully)
- Peeing what will probably be the best pee of my life

And then I'm a princess on bed rest for 24 hours. This part sounds good but I tend to have trouble with people waiting on me. I'm very used to just doing stuff myself.

However, I am going to suck it up because I'm not going to let a little thing like independence jeopardize our chances.

Get your prayer hats on and your positive vibes flowing cause it is game time!!

Big Shot Update

I honest to God thought Derek chickened out because I felt him squeeze the area and it felt like he touched it and then abruptly walked away real quick.

I was like "what's wrong?" And he said "nothing, it's done." He was just going to go get the hot wash rag to massage the area with.

I was so shocked that I didn't even feel it!

Night one done!

Home Stretch!

Well, it looks like this might actually happen!

I have black sharpie circles on my rear for where we will start the progesterone shots tonight and our appointment this morning showed everything is on track so far.

We did talk to the doc and got to ask a bunch of questions that have been brewing:

Why did we end up with only 4?  (he's not sure)

What happens next if this doesn't work? (another FET)

Should we transfer 1 or 2? (TBD)

When will we know if it worked? (July 10th)

The only thing left to do is decide on 1 or 2. We have until Friday to tell them what we've decided. The doc gave us the standard risk/stats speech but said he didn't have a strong opinion on it for us either way.

That effectively just kicked the ball back into our court.

This is one of those times where being analytical is not an asset. Each scenario feels like a sure ticket to a worst case scenario. 1 embryo = failure, 2 embryos = premature twins or vanishing twin or any other horrible outcome.

That's the sucky thing about infertility. You get to the point where you assume the outcome isn't going to be what you want. After 4+ months of this one extended treatment, it's a lot of pressure to put on one decision.

But we're going to sleep on it and pray on it and just pick a road and follow it through. There's so many possible outcomes that it's mostly out of our hands any way.

All we can do is try to hope and follow directions, get through the transfer on Tuesday and try to keep ourselves distracted until July 10th (that sounds so close but yet so far away!!)

It's go time!!

FETs are Kinda Boring...

This FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle is pretty boring and drawn out.

I guess that's not really a bad thing since logistically it's much easier to deal with and plan out. Plus I think my body finally got used to this Lupron drug (still not sure what it does).

The only bad thing about boring, drawn out treatments is it leaves a lot of time to over analyze things.

The main decision that lies ahead of us this cycle is how many embryos to transfer back to me.

I have to admit, at the beginning of the IVF process, I was dead set on two. I wanted twins and then to never deal with fertility crap ever again. Apparently this is an extremely common thought process and why twin births are very common for IVF patients. It's also why many doctors and labs are now advocating for single transfers (if you're a certain age and the embryos are good quality).

Mo' babies equals mo' problems.

It's very strange the decisions that you are faced with during this process. Decisions that no one really ever wants to face. Like what happens to your embryos if you and your spouse get divorced or if one of you dies. We had to fill out paperwork for that and it was kinda sad and awkward.

But how do you decide how many embryos to transfer? That's not a decision that you really want to be in charge of.

If you get pregnant with multiples in a more "natural" way, you just have to deal with it.

But if you played an active role in "choosing" to have multiples, it seems like there's more pressure there.

If we put two back and end up with twins, how much guilt will I possibly have seeing them in the NICU all because I wasn't patient enough to have them one at a time?

I'm not sure if that would be the case but it seems like moms already carry enough guilt if anything is wrong with their kid so this just feels like it would add another layer of complexity.

I guess what it comes down to is that now that the embryos are here and they are no longer hypothetical, I feel like I have to make decisions as a "parent" (with zero experience in that dept).

Even though two would increase our chances of pregnancy, is it what's best for our kids in the long run? What will get them here as safely as possible?

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm judging anyone's decisions since this whole process is complex and different for every one.

Who knows? Maybe the doctor will have a sound argument in favor of putting back two. I think if that's the case, at least some of the burden is off of us and more on a professional's opinion.

It's just a strange place to be in with heavy decisions left to make but hopefully God guides the course and we just focus on the true goal of healthy babies... even if it means a smaller chance at a positive pregnancy test....

Dear Lupron, I hate you

Let me count the ways.

I hate you because in order to get you to do anything, I have to stab myself in the belly. Every. Night.

For 2 weeks straight....

I hate you because within 30 minutes of our evening rendezvous, my evening is pretty much shot (pun intended) cause you make me feel like poop.

Not cool Lupron. Not cool.

Whatever it is you're supposedly doing in there, you better do it right cause I sincerely do not want to see you again until we're ready for ice baby #2.

....

Alright, so I am back on shots (woohoo). It's not sucking as much as I thought it would but this med is not fun. It kinda makes me feel like I have a stomach bug and dehydration... no bueno.

But the good news is, we're halfway between the egg retrieval and the frozen embryo transfer (less than 1 month away!). Still shooting for a 7/1 transfer and it is good to be at least starting the meds and getting them over with.

Time for my Lupron date!

Pills, Shots and Transfers, Oh My!

I have a new schedule!

I'm kind of getting used to feeling like myself again which is bitter sweet but a nice break. I spoke to the nurse this morning and I have my protocol for the FET (frozen embryo transfer).

The big day is expected to be July 1st (which seems like forever from now!). I'm taking it with a grain of salt this time around after how things went down last cycle. It's exciting but I'm just thinking "I'll believe it when I see it". ;)

So now we know that the end of May and all of June is full of birth control, then Lupron shots (the ones that made me miserable but luckily these will be all at night), estrogen pills and the dreaded progesterone shots - I got out of these last month but not this time - they are the big needles that go in the love handle area.
 :(

The good news is, the doctor's appointments are much fewer, one morning with lab work, one morning with sonogram and then the transfer itself. Not bad at all!

We are in full "distract ourselves" mode. We created an entire flower bed in our back yard this weekend and we have the sunburns and sore muscles to prove it!

Next weekend: art projects and books (hopefully) and then I am in San Francisco all next week for a conference which will be a good way to get an entire week to go by pretty quick.

That's all I've got for now...

Precious Ice Cubes

I'm not sure where to start... honestly I don't quite know how I even feel right now.

Out of 38 eggs, 4 embryos made it to the freezer.

I'm going to poorly attempt to convey the mix of emotions going through my head about all of this.

Phase 1: Sad and Pissed
I'm not going to lie, when they called today and gave us the final number my first instinct was to just weep... so weep I did, and I called my mommy and wept some more.

How do you only get 4 from 38?? What hell did I just put my body through to only get 4??

Phase 2: Guilty and Grateful
I then felt bad about being sad. I'm active on an online forum full of men and women who would be overjoyed to just have even 1 fair quality embryo.

I am without a doubt grateful for all 4 of my precious little ice cube babies (who were rated very highly and they are very optimistic about them). I'm also grateful that we probably won't have "leftover" embryos to have to struggle with what to do with. Even if they all take, 4 kids is not an unreasonable number of kids to raise (33 was - I'm not interested in beating out the Duggars).

Now: Scared
I am a wreck... I'm scared out of my mind. And you know what? I think it's ok. I'm allowed to not always feel strong. It's ok that I'm not a pillar of faith and hope and joy every day of this journey.

My body has been put through a pretty taxing thing. I'm also on estrogen and progesterone which makes me even more emotional than usual (please pray extra for poor Derek).

The thing that is getting to me the most is that I was hoping for a better insurance policy... I've never been pregnant; I have no idea if I'll have miscarriages or if these embryos will like my uterus at all. Or what if they don't survive the thaw? If the number was higher, I think it wouldn't feel like so much pressure. But at least it's not just 1 or 2... or none.

To be continued:
This blog is pretty much the cliff hanger finale of season one of "The Stunkards Try to Have a Baby".

The next few weeks will be pretty uneventful. They have me on progesterone and estrogen until the 21st and then this month will finish out. Next month they want me on a full 21 day cycle of birth control and then we will finally be able to start the FET (frozen embyro transfer).

At the end of the day, there is still hope. FETs have better odds and I have a good 6 weeks(ish) to get my body and mind back into fighting condition.

So until next season I'll leave you with my favorite verse from the most worn out page in my bible which I know I will have on repeat for the next few weeks (Jonah 2:1):

In my distress I called to the Lord,

    and he answered me.

From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,

    and you listened to my cry.

What a week!

Before I get to the exciting bits, I'll back up and recap the craziness of this week.

Monday: Sono and bloodwork plus finding out the doc doesn't want us to transfer this cycle and that we have another 6 weeks or so before we can. Plus- last night of stimming shots (yay for belly bruises going away!).

Tuesday: Last sono and bloodwork. Egg retrieval scheduled and Lupron trigger shot #1. Unfortunately, I had a horrible side effect with the Lupron. It made me incredibly dizzy to the point where I felt like I'd pass out every time I stood up.

Wednesday: Lupron shot #2 at 7 am. Proceeded to be absolutely miserable the whole day at work due to the dizziness. I was also very uncomfortable due to the now mature, massive load of eggs in my belly. I had to tell Derek to stop making me laugh because it hurt too much.

Thursday: Up at 5:15 after not really sleeping the night before. We stayed in the hotel next to the hospital so that we could be there bright and early which worked out nicely. We anticipated getting about 20 or so eggs and ended up getting 38 (I got an updated number this morning).

The good news is, after everyone telling me how miserable I'd be after the egg retrieval (they even gave me a vicodin prescription), I haven't even needed a tylenol. I just feel super bloated and like I've done a few too many situps. I'd say menstrual cramps are worse than this. I'm actually more comfortable now than I was the day before the egg retrieval.

Friday: We got our first report card this morning and we have embryos :)

I think we've decided to keep the number to ourselves for now. We still have a long way to go as far as them growing and splitting as expected but we're confident that we should have enough to create our family.

We'll get our next report card on Sunday to see how many make it to the next level of development.

Thank you so much for your prayers! We still have a long road before us but this week we jumped quite a few hurdles! :)

Mixed Bag of Emotions

It's probably due to the insane amount of hormones in my system but I am a mixed bag of emotions right now.

I apologize if you're expecting any kind of inspirational quotes or scriptures but that's a different blog for a different day. If there's anyone reading this that may go through IVF in the future, I'm not doing them any good if I turn this blog into a fluff piece.

It's hard. It's full of curve balls and unknown.

On the one hand, I am majorly bummed that this month and June are out of the cards for us to get pregnant. It's a freakin bummer and we were so excited. It may seem little but infertility is a constant fight against getting your hopes up. We had finally let a little hope creep in to have it snatched up. We had dared to dream "hey we might be pregnant in a few days".

On the other hand, it seems like this may just be working out the way it needs to. They mentioned that my progesterone levels are already rising which with the route we are now going isn't a big deal but if we were still doing the transfer this month, it could have been a problem.

The priority is to get as good of odds as we can and a healthy pregnancy.

They were worried about me this morning and how we took the news about not doing the transfer. Apparently a lot of couples throw fits and really push the doctor into doing the transfer anyway.

This doesn't make any sense to me. If a fertility doc is telling me "if we get you pregnant right now, it could land you in the hospital or with a loss"... that's a disappointing decision but a no brainer.

Plus, we've waited this long, what's 6 more weeks if it means a healthy mommy and baby?

It is official that the egg retrieval is going to be bright and early Thursday morning. In all, I should only be under anesthesia for about 30 minutes which is nothing compared to previous surgeries I've had so not too worried about that. They expect to get between 10-20 eggs but we should know Thursday afternoon.

By Friday we'll know if any and how many eggs fertilized. This is the next worry on my heart that could use some prayers. Just please pray that the two sides play nice together and we have some healthy embryos to freeze.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

So... I got some news this morning. I'm not going to call it bad but it is a bit disappointing.

The short version: It's pretty much decided we won't be getting pregnant this cycle.

The long version: What I've been worried about since the first sono is basically coming to fruition. They are almost certain that if I don't have OHSS (over-stimulation) after the retrieval, they are pretty certain a pregnancy would trigger it.

My estrogen levels are through the roof and I just have a whole bunch of eggs.

In the end, this is a good problem to have in that they are hopeful we will have A LOT of eggs to work with and hopefully make as many high quality, wonderful embryos as they can.

So this is what will most likely happen:

• Continue meds tonight
• Go in tomorrow for another sono and bloodwork to confirm we're ready to go
• If it looks good, we'll do the trigger shot tomorrow night and the egg retrieval Thursday morning.
• From there, they will still do the monitoring routine for 6 days and let us know how things are progressing in the lab. 
• If our embryos look bad and they don't have many or think they will survive a freeze then they may decide to do the transfer anyway so that this whole round isn't a bust. 
• If the embryos are good quality and plentiful then they will freeze all that they can. 

After that, we wait out the end of this cycle. When the next one begins, I'm back on birth control, followed by Lupron to prep my body to receive the thawed embryos (1 or 2 only). It should be an easier cycle in that there's less monitoring and drugs. 

He also said that in their current studies, they were having better pregnancy rates with frozen cycles versus fresh. Recently out of 20 women they tested this process with, 18 are pregnant. So he's confident that my odds of pregnancy are even higher going this route. He also said that this may be how they do all IVF cycles in the future if the stats stay as high as they are. 

So that's where we're at. Still hopeful but will need to have a bit more time and patience. 

Over Achieving Ovaries

So far, I have completed 4 nights of the 2-shot a night routine. I am so over it... I'm not halfway through and I am sore, tired, running out of belly fat to poke, etc. 

I am, however, getting pretty confident at giving myself shots. I had to do them without Derek last night and I did ok (still prefer to have my cheerleader there though).

It's not horrible but it's not comfortable. It just is what it is I guess. It's what we have to do to get there.

This morning I had my first sono and bloodwork since starting stims and they shed some light on why I may be feeling pretty sore already (not to mention weird butterfly like sensations in my belly). 

40 FOLLICLES!!! 20 on each side. Holy crap that's a lot! 

Just to give you perspective- their goal is to retrieve 10-12 next week. 

This is definitely good news in the sense that a) I am responding to meds and b) I have plenty of eggs in there it seems.

It is also pretty scary. They have to make sure this number goes a bit down before retrieval or I run the risk of being over stimulated (basically my body would be on hyperdrive and could result in a very miserable early pregnancy). If this happens, we'd still do the retrieval but would have to give my body a cycle off to chill out before they transfer any embryos back in.

Honestly, if having to wait one more month is our worst case scenario then we are truly blessed. 

So far, all of our tests are going great! Still no real sign of why we can't do this on our own but who knows...

I get upgraded to 3 shots a night starting tomorrow so that they prevent me from ovulating on my own. Monitoring appointments are set for Saturday, Monday and Tuesday so I'll have more updates from there. 

I asked my nurse if she had to guess when the retrieval would be and she said it's still too early to tell but probably next Wednesday or Thursday.  

Keep prayin and I'll just keep on poking myself with needles! 

Let the Shots Begin!

We just wrapped up night one of our first set of shots and I'm feelin' pretty accomplished! We were originally supposed to start yesterday but after my blood work on Friday they pushed it out a day.

Tonight we did two shots- Follistim and Menopur. These recruit as many follicles to develop as possible and encourage them to grow. In a few days they'll add a third shot that will tell my body not to ovulate until they are ready for it to.

I've gotta say the shots weren't that bad. Took us about 30 minutes to prep everything, read and reread instructions and syke myself up. Luckily these are the little shots that go in your belly so not too big of a deal.

I go in for blood work and sonograms on Thursday, Saturday, next Monday and next Tuesday. After each appointment they'll tell us what our doses change to and any timing changes. If all goes well, I'm guessing our egg retrieval will be around 5/8 and the transfer 5/13 (if all goes normal and well).

It feels good to just get the big stuff started! There's been so much build up and anticipation and we've already had to pay for 2/3rds of it so we are ready to reap the reward.

Keep the prayers up! The next 3 weeks are really big for us (well hopefully the next 9 months but we'll see)! :)

Lil box of horrors

So when Fedex gives you a window of 8 am (on truck) to 8 pm (ETA) and you have one conference call during the entire day, guess which time they show up? Needing a signature... :)

For those of you curious about what $3,000 in fertility drugs look like, here ya go:

Those two big ol bags in the front right are full of needles... just needles and a handful of alcohol wipes. And they aren't tiny, cute, little butterfly needles. They look like big, cry for momma needles.

You know there are a lot because they even gave me a special trash can just for needles (see far back left). Many women have assured me that they aren't as bad as they look and that once I get a day or two in, it'll just be routine. Let's hope that proves true!

But it is here! And I even have a tentative schedule (ya for coloring coding calendars!).

I am on birth control until next Tuesday (22nd). I have an appointment this Thursday for initial sono and labs and they'll teach me how to use the torture devices.

Then I have another appointment bright and early on the 25th for more labs and sono to see if I'm ready for what's called "stimming". If all looks good, the daily shots (aka stimming) start on the 26th.

This is where the fun begins. They'll monitor me closely for 8-12 days until they determine my follicles are ready to pluck. That puts the Egg Retrieval and transfer (3-5 days after ER) around the week of the 5th...

From there we wait, pray and fill my body full of progesterone and a little over a month from now we'll know how it all works out.

One day at a time... :)

Go time!

Thyroid levels have been blessed. Meds are being ordered. Protocol is written up (even though I don't get to see it for another week).

Let the games begin! :)

The good, the bad and the ugly

For the most part, infertility isn't a pretty thing. Shots, doctor's appointments and tons of disappointment.

The Good
For the sake of my title, I'll attempt to find something good... ;)

The good is that you and your partner realize how strong you are as a team. I'm lucky that I have a good man that takes very good care of me. But it's stuff like this where you learn the art of taking turns being the strong one. This is probably the hardest thing we've gone through together but I'm sure it won't be the last, so learning how to deal will just make us more indestructible.

The Bad
Shots... doctor's appointments, peeing on sticks, peeing in cups, blood draws, questions, more questions, false hope, disappointment... tears. Lots of tears. Testing days are the worst. You build up to them so much with visions of how you'd tell you family the good news. And then bam!... negative.

Always negative.

The bad is also feeling like a jerk when you see pregnancy and birth announcements and you can't be happy like you're supposed to be. Or hearing phrases like "we weren't even trying" or "we can just look at each other and get pregnant" and being reminded that you're broken and what you've been trying to do for years happens so effortlessly for so many.

The Ugly
Infertility comes in stages. The first few months you're trying like every one else. Hopeful, excited, nervous. You start reading sites that talk about baby dancing and baby dust and crap like that. Hope.

It's exciting. As it should be.

Then months 3-6 happen and you realize you're a little outside of the "normal" get pregnant window. You kind of start getting that voice in your head "maybe something isn't right."

Then you mourn. You mourn like you would a death for the fertility that you assumed/hoped/prayed you would have. You don't have it. So you mourn it. And mourning is hard.

You start to panic but those around you are quick to try and comfort with "you have time", "it'll happen"... but it doesn't really work.

Then around a year in, the doctors start to agree. You now enter the testing phase. I have to say, this part is the hardest. You and your spouse are subjected to tests that at any moment could mean your journey is done and not in the happy ending kind of way. The fear of finding out you can't have kids at all is traumatizing.

Then comes treatment. Either they can tell you what's wrong or you end up like us. Unexplained. So you start trying things. Queue the hope again. Trying new things triggers that "we're doing something"... "this might actually work".  Until it doesn't.

Alright... so this is a bit of a downer blog but it's all really hitting me that next week we begin the first of the meds. I want to feel hope. And part of me does. But it feels like I'm not allowed to. Every time I've let myself just feel it, it just makes the end hurt more.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my eggs are crap, or that my body will just refuse to make a baby.

I am also excited. Excited to just have a new course of action. Especially one with much better odds than we've had so far.

I'm grateful. Many people don't get the chance to try this route due to various issues or finances. We're very blessed that this will only hurt for a little while.

I'm ready... I think.

This is getting real!

So I just took the first step in taking this process from "something we're going to do" to something we are doing... like soon.

The first prescription is dropped off: birth control.

Yep. You read that right. For those of you unfamiliar with the invitro process (of course every clinic and case is different), the first step is a few days/weeks of birth control.

The reason is that they want to "reboot" your ovaries before getting into the drugs that stimulate them to make a whole bunch of eggs.

Even though I know why I'll be taking it, I can't really get over the irony that my first experience with birth control will be to get pregnant.

At this point I would stand on my head for 5 days if the doc told me to. 

Oh and we may be moving this whole thing up a month instead of waiting until May. Even though it's nice to have a clear, un-hormonal head back on my shoulders, I'm just kind of ready to get the show on the road.

I have to be honest though- I'm not really looking forward to the whole pregnancy part. Part of me hopes I'll enjoy it but as many complaints as I hear from pregnant women, I'm not naive to think the hard part is going to be over once the test is finally positive.

But just like planning a wedding is just a means to the marriage, this whole process is a means to have our family with us. I'm so ready to sit down and plan out Disney World trips and preschool and all the museums and parks I want to show my kids and places we want to take them.

I can't take a road trip any more without flashbacks of what my childhood road trips were like and yearning for the screaming, cranky kids in the back. You know, the ones with my eyes and his hair.

I'm not even a mom yet but I already feel like I'd do anything for my (hopefully) future kids.

I mean nothing says love like being willing to take shots in the butt for someone. Am I right? ;)

Door Number 3

"Something should have worked by now. It's time to talk about your options."

Nobody ever wants to hear a doctor say that. In our case, it's about starting our family. After 2 1/2 years, we've reached our last ditch effort:

Invitro

I can't tell you all the emotions that come with that word but I'd have to say sadness is at the top. But hope is mixed in there too. If it weren't we wouldn't waste our time and money.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. We should have a toddler by now. Maybe even another on the way.

But we don't. What we do have is 3 options:

1. More invasive, out-of-pocket tests that may tell us why we aren't pregnant and they may find something they can fix.
2. Throw stronger drugs at it. We have had 3 failed IUIs that all looked beautiful on paper. We can get stronger drugs and throw more eggs at the problem but no guanantees.
3. Invitro: our odds at my age are 2 out of 3 (which sounds better than the actual percentage of 60%)

We've opted for door number 3. I figure if they are going to put me under anesthesia and charge me a small fortune, I'd rather wake up one step closer to pregnant.

We're giving ourselves a couple of months to relax, detox the hormones I've been on the last two cycles, and squirrel away everything we can to avoid debt.

I've decided to blog about the journey so that our kids know how much we wanted them and how much we're willing to go through to get them here. Writing is also therapeutic to me so that's a plus.

But beyond that, people just don't talk about infertility that much. So maybe someone can read this and know they aren't alone. I've relied heavily on the words of others who have gone through this and are going through it so maybe I can pay it forward.

We appreciate all the prayers so far and covet all the ones you can give us the next few months. Our tentative plan is to start meds in May so that gives you a timeline to pray about :).

-Michelle