Out of 38 eggs, 4 embryos made it to the freezer.
I'm going to poorly attempt to convey the mix of emotions going through my head about all of this.
Phase 1: Sad and Pissed
I'm not going to lie, when they called today and gave us the final number my first instinct was to just weep... so weep I did, and I called my mommy and wept some more.
How do you only get 4 from 38?? What hell did I just put my body through to only get 4??
Phase 2: Guilty and Grateful
I then felt bad about being sad. I'm active on an online forum full of men and women who would be overjoyed to just have even 1 fair quality embryo.
I am without a doubt grateful for all 4 of my precious little ice cube babies (who were rated very highly and they are very optimistic about them). I'm also grateful that we probably won't have "leftover" embryos to have to struggle with what to do with. Even if they all take, 4 kids is not an unreasonable number of kids to raise (33 was - I'm not interested in beating out the Duggars).
Now: Scared
I am a wreck... I'm scared out of my mind. And you know what? I think it's ok. I'm allowed to not always feel strong. It's ok that I'm not a pillar of faith and hope and joy every day of this journey.
My body has been put through a pretty taxing thing. I'm also on estrogen and progesterone which makes me even more emotional than usual (please pray extra for poor Derek).
The thing that is getting to me the most is that I was hoping for a better insurance policy... I've never been pregnant; I have no idea if I'll have miscarriages or if these embryos will like my uterus at all. Or what if they don't survive the thaw? If the number was higher, I think it wouldn't feel like so much pressure. But at least it's not just 1 or 2... or none.
To be continued:
This blog is pretty much the cliff hanger finale of season one of "The Stunkards Try to Have a Baby".
The next few weeks will be pretty uneventful. They have me on progesterone and estrogen until the 21st and then this month will finish out. Next month they want me on a full 21 day cycle of birth control and then we will finally be able to start the FET (frozen embyro transfer).
At the end of the day, there is still hope. FETs have better odds and I have a good 6 weeks(ish) to get my body and mind back into fighting condition.
So until next season I'll leave you with my favorite verse from the most worn out page in my bible which I know I will have on repeat for the next few weeks (Jonah 2:1):
In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
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