The good, the bad and the ugly

For the most part, infertility isn't a pretty thing. Shots, doctor's appointments and tons of disappointment.

The Good
For the sake of my title, I'll attempt to find something good... ;)

The good is that you and your partner realize how strong you are as a team. I'm lucky that I have a good man that takes very good care of me. But it's stuff like this where you learn the art of taking turns being the strong one. This is probably the hardest thing we've gone through together but I'm sure it won't be the last, so learning how to deal will just make us more indestructible.

The Bad
Shots... doctor's appointments, peeing on sticks, peeing in cups, blood draws, questions, more questions, false hope, disappointment... tears. Lots of tears. Testing days are the worst. You build up to them so much with visions of how you'd tell you family the good news. And then bam!... negative.

Always negative.

The bad is also feeling like a jerk when you see pregnancy and birth announcements and you can't be happy like you're supposed to be. Or hearing phrases like "we weren't even trying" or "we can just look at each other and get pregnant" and being reminded that you're broken and what you've been trying to do for years happens so effortlessly for so many.

The Ugly
Infertility comes in stages. The first few months you're trying like every one else. Hopeful, excited, nervous. You start reading sites that talk about baby dancing and baby dust and crap like that. Hope.

It's exciting. As it should be.

Then months 3-6 happen and you realize you're a little outside of the "normal" get pregnant window. You kind of start getting that voice in your head "maybe something isn't right."

Then you mourn. You mourn like you would a death for the fertility that you assumed/hoped/prayed you would have. You don't have it. So you mourn it. And mourning is hard.

You start to panic but those around you are quick to try and comfort with "you have time", "it'll happen"... but it doesn't really work.

Then around a year in, the doctors start to agree. You now enter the testing phase. I have to say, this part is the hardest. You and your spouse are subjected to tests that at any moment could mean your journey is done and not in the happy ending kind of way. The fear of finding out you can't have kids at all is traumatizing.

Then comes treatment. Either they can tell you what's wrong or you end up like us. Unexplained. So you start trying things. Queue the hope again. Trying new things triggers that "we're doing something"... "this might actually work".  Until it doesn't.

Alright... so this is a bit of a downer blog but it's all really hitting me that next week we begin the first of the meds. I want to feel hope. And part of me does. But it feels like I'm not allowed to. Every time I've let myself just feel it, it just makes the end hurt more.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my eggs are crap, or that my body will just refuse to make a baby.

I am also excited. Excited to just have a new course of action. Especially one with much better odds than we've had so far.

I'm grateful. Many people don't get the chance to try this route due to various issues or finances. We're very blessed that this will only hurt for a little while.

I'm ready... I think.